二姑 (Ee-gu)

"I never knew your name, but knowing it will taint your majesty in my eyes."
“I don’t know your name, but knowing it will taint your majesty in my eyes.”

My second aunt (dad’s older sister), taken during Chinese New Year this year, as part of tasks for my graduation show. Watching every one else’s presentations made me wonder as well..

I know/knew/have known her all my life. I see her the most twice every year. I know part of her story from what she has told me and the stories my father and brothers have told me. The stories that I do not know are written in her hands, her feet, her face. Love language of food. A whole story I do not know.

Doing the task of taking photographs this year made me realize how little I know her. It’s simple now, to give her a call now and say, “Eegu, how are you?”

But I don’t know what to say. She’ll be the Ee-gu I knew in primary school when she lived with us for a while, who taught me to read chapters before they were taught in school so I could get a leg up during classes. I don’t know what to say now.

Then I sort of realize…

I do not know what to say to a lot of people. I love them, truly, but what do I say? Will knowing you now make it harder for me to forget you when you’re gone?

I lost my train of thought.

Back to work…

S

Pain

This post is regarding the accident in Tampines yesterday, where a cement truck killed two brothers on a bicycle. I won’t post links or photos regarding the incident. I just… I don’t know where to begin. I heard about the news yesterday, and saw the grotesque images of the body.

But it wasn’t until today that I saw the picture of their mother, in the Chinese New Year McDonald’s uniform, on her knees and crying at the loss of the children that this sank in. My heart just shattered. I broke. I weeped. I prayed. I cannot understand.

I couldn’t understand why this had to happen. I was all very confused and heartbroken upon seeing their mother. She could have been anybody I brushed past or met at McDs. She looked so human, so normal, that it could have been anyone. It could have been anyone I brushed past on the street.

The two boys could have been children I tsk-ed at in an MRT because they were too noisy. It could have been anyone. The cement truck driver could have been anyone. I will never understand the pain of losing a child. I may never understand the loss of a mother. I may never feel what it is like, but my heart breaks for her and her family. It breaks for anyone who had to go through the pain of losing a child or a parent or a loved one. Especially parents. Parents should never have to bury their own children. It tears me apart – the fact that this had to happen.

I don’t know how to feel.

So I prayed. That I don’t know why this has to happen. I don’ t know whose fault it is. I don’t know why people have to suffer. I don’t know why the mother has to go through this much pain. I wish I could comfort her. What good can this post do? What good will my prayers do? I can only pray. I can only hope. I can only ask God to hold her in His arms and give the comfort and love and peace that I cannot. I can only pray.

I can only ask others do the same.

I can only treasure every moment. I can only treasure every person around me. Even strangers.

I never liked annoying children on the MRT. But this has put a lot into perspective. I’m not promising anything. But I can only try to stop the hate of complete stranger. To love more. To love.

I don’t understand a lot of things. I only know that God has a plan. I know those plans are not to harm me. That is all I need to know.

You are loved. You are treasured.

Don’t forget that.

2012 : Looking Back

What a year. Here’s to looking back to random milestones. I flipped through my organizer and…

January – April

  • Began production meetings for TLC: The Musical
  • Caught ‘Spring Awakening’ and discovered ‘Rock of Ages’ which inspired music direction for the musical.
  • Did my Individual Project, allowing me to find my aesthetic and what I really loved about art.
  • Was involved in two shows simultaneously and worked with four different directors. Amazing.
  • Did a workshop with Nelson Chia. Another awesome experience.
  • Learnt Grotowski. Discovered Murakami. Both life changing.

May – July

  • Summer was awesome. Worked at Harry Potter : The Exhibition at the ArtScience Museum at MBS. Met the most amazing people that I never knew could exist. Worked on my social skills. Definitely a life-changing experience. :’) But mehhhh I haven’t met up with them in so long :(!
  • Skeleton of TLC: The Musical out.
  • First trip overseas without Mom. Survived!

August – November

  • First semester, Level Three.
  • Did two shows and both had fantastic reviews from our lecturers. It shocked me because it felt so different and so.. Easy.
  • Did a design presentation which made me miss designing. Doing my thesis.
  • Going forward. Chasing dreams. Writing my plans.
  • Bought my first domain!

December

  • Final touches of TLC: The Musical.
  • Stepping down from the Children Ministry after 7 years of serving.
  • All of my hopes, plans, dreams and life experiences are for the glory of God.
  • Moved to Mom’s study because Grandma moved in.

Will we say we’ve had our fun?

So 2013, what do you have in store for me? More accurately; God, what do you have in store for me?

So here’s what I aim to do or be, with a little help from sermons from camp, Thought Catalog, and tumblr.

  • Always chase down dreams.
  • Take time away to do things for myself. Love, but don’t cling too hard. Rely on yourself.
  • Read more books. Any books.
  • Take time to see art.
  • Smile more. Be kinder to people. Love with compassion, with fiery passion, with empathy.
  • Create art unapologetically, relentlessly.
  • Don’t neglect people who care.
  • Trust God with everything that happens. Don’t dwell on the past, look to the amazing future that God has planned out. No matter what, He will guide you home.
  • Be strong. Be brave. Be soft.

I look forward to another year.

“If we wait until we’re ready, we’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives.”
▼Lemony Snicket

“Body cells replace themselves every month. Even at this very moment. Most everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories.”
▼Haruki Murakami

S

If You Forget Me – Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Thank You God

He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His love and mercy

I just had to blog this. It’s personal.. But I really want to share it. You see, I received my end-year report from school and was really beaten down by it. I had to admit the comments were true, but harsh, and it really made me wonder if I was really cut out to do acting. I considered why I loved this, I asked myself so many times if this is really God’s plan. Did I take a wrong step somewhere? Why would He place me in this place?

When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are
and how deep Your affections are for me

It was during worship. Rachel led this song. I asked God why – Why didn’t He give me more talent? I can’t freaking sing that well, I don’t have musical talent, I’m just mediocre. I can’t do anything damn well. And right there and then, I saw an image of myself asleep, and someone cradling my face and stroking my hair. “Stephanie,” He said. “I love you. Why would I give you a worthless gift?” And I knew it was true. And a peace flooded my heart. Then I saw my lecturers writing the report,  and my Savior was there, everything in His hands. And I realized that He cares so much. Every detail of my life. He is there. He is always here for me/you/us to go running into His arms.

Oh how He loves us, how He loves us

Everything is in His hands. I know there’s nothing to fear.
Thank You Jesus.

And the world keeps spinning..

I’m tired… Fourth week of school and I’m losing my steam! >_<

where'd our lives go?

Where did those days fly to? Where were the days where my biggest worry was that if I flunked my Math my mom is going to kill me? When did I start worrying about other things? Ughh.

Sec 3, 2007, Taiwan

I love my dreams. I’m proud of it, I am. I’ve always wanted to do this. I can do this, and I will. I didn’t fight this far to give up now.

GO STEPHHHHH!!!

Desperate.

Seek and you will find, they say
but I’ve been looking everyday
for a way past this wall that’s in front of my face.
I’m on hands and knees searching for my faith.

It’s seems that I’ve not exactly been okay these few days. I honestly feel like a burden to my Mom for choosing this path. I sometimes really REALLY wish that I could have less risky and less expensive and normal and ‘perfect child’ dreams. I wish that I’ve never felt at home on stage, never felt more comfortable doing anything except acting. I feel useless.

I really hope I don’t disappoint her. I’m going to get my freaking act together and get the damn degree. Freaking first class honours.

You’ve put me on a path I don’t understand
I’m standing on a ledge waving my hands.

You’ve got me desperate.

I know You hear me, would You give me a sign?