二姑 (Ee-gu)

"I never knew your name, but knowing it will taint your majesty in my eyes."
“I don’t know your name, but knowing it will taint your majesty in my eyes.”

My second aunt (dad’s older sister), taken during Chinese New Year this year, as part of tasks for my graduation show. Watching every one else’s presentations made me wonder as well..

I know/knew/have known her all my life. I see her the most twice every year. I know part of her story from what she has told me and the stories my father and brothers have told me. The stories that I do not know are written in her hands, her feet, her face. Love language of food. A whole story I do not know.

Doing the task of taking photographs this year made me realize how little I know her. It’s simple now, to give her a call now and say, “Eegu, how are you?”

But I don’t know what to say. She’ll be the Ee-gu I knew in primary school when she lived with us for a while, who taught me to read chapters before they were taught in school so I could get a leg up during classes. I don’t know what to say now.

Then I sort of realize…

I do not know what to say to a lot of people. I love them, truly, but what do I say? Will knowing you now make it harder for me to forget you when you’re gone?

I lost my train of thought.

Back to work…

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Pain

This post is regarding the accident in Tampines yesterday, where a cement truck killed two brothers on a bicycle. I won’t post links or photos regarding the incident. I just… I don’t know where to begin. I heard about the news yesterday, and saw the grotesque images of the body.

But it wasn’t until today that I saw the picture of their mother, in the Chinese New Year McDonald’s uniform, on her knees and crying at the loss of the children that this sank in. My heart just shattered. I broke. I weeped. I prayed. I cannot understand.

I couldn’t understand why this had to happen. I was all very confused and heartbroken upon seeing their mother. She could have been anybody I brushed past or met at McDs. She looked so human, so normal, that it could have been anyone. It could have been anyone I brushed past on the street.

The two boys could have been children I tsk-ed at in an MRT because they were too noisy. It could have been anyone. The cement truck driver could have been anyone. I will never understand the pain of losing a child. I may never understand the loss of a mother. I may never feel what it is like, but my heart breaks for her and her family. It breaks for anyone who had to go through the pain of losing a child or a parent or a loved one. Especially parents. Parents should never have to bury their own children. It tears me apart – the fact that this had to happen.

I don’t know how to feel.

So I prayed. That I don’t know why this has to happen. I don’ t know whose fault it is. I don’t know why people have to suffer. I don’t know why the mother has to go through this much pain. I wish I could comfort her. What good can this post do? What good will my prayers do? I can only pray. I can only hope. I can only ask God to hold her in His arms and give the comfort and love and peace that I cannot. I can only pray.

I can only ask others do the same.

I can only treasure every moment. I can only treasure every person around me. Even strangers.

I never liked annoying children on the MRT. But this has put a lot into perspective. I’m not promising anything. But I can only try to stop the hate of complete stranger. To love more. To love.

I don’t understand a lot of things. I only know that God has a plan. I know those plans are not to harm me. That is all I need to know.

You are loved. You are treasured.

Don’t forget that.

2012 : Looking Back

What a year. Here’s to looking back to random milestones. I flipped through my organizer and…

January – April

  • Began production meetings for TLC: The Musical
  • Caught ‘Spring Awakening’ and discovered ‘Rock of Ages’ which inspired music direction for the musical.
  • Did my Individual Project, allowing me to find my aesthetic and what I really loved about art.
  • Was involved in two shows simultaneously and worked with four different directors. Amazing.
  • Did a workshop with Nelson Chia. Another awesome experience.
  • Learnt Grotowski. Discovered Murakami. Both life changing.

May – July

  • Summer was awesome. Worked at Harry Potter : The Exhibition at the ArtScience Museum at MBS. Met the most amazing people that I never knew could exist. Worked on my social skills. Definitely a life-changing experience. :’) But mehhhh I haven’t met up with them in so long :(!
  • Skeleton of TLC: The Musical out.
  • First trip overseas without Mom. Survived!

August – November

  • First semester, Level Three.
  • Did two shows and both had fantastic reviews from our lecturers. It shocked me because it felt so different and so.. Easy.
  • Did a design presentation which made me miss designing. Doing my thesis.
  • Going forward. Chasing dreams. Writing my plans.
  • Bought my first domain!

December

  • Final touches of TLC: The Musical.
  • Stepping down from the Children Ministry after 7 years of serving.
  • All of my hopes, plans, dreams and life experiences are for the glory of God.
  • Moved to Mom’s study because Grandma moved in.

Will we say we’ve had our fun?

So 2013, what do you have in store for me? More accurately; God, what do you have in store for me?

So here’s what I aim to do or be, with a little help from sermons from camp, Thought Catalog, and tumblr.

  • Always chase down dreams.
  • Take time away to do things for myself. Love, but don’t cling too hard. Rely on yourself.
  • Read more books. Any books.
  • Take time to see art.
  • Smile more. Be kinder to people. Love with compassion, with fiery passion, with empathy.
  • Create art unapologetically, relentlessly.
  • Don’t neglect people who care.
  • Trust God with everything that happens. Don’t dwell on the past, look to the amazing future that God has planned out. No matter what, He will guide you home.
  • Be strong. Be brave. Be soft.

I look forward to another year.

“If we wait until we’re ready, we’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives.”
▼Lemony Snicket

“Body cells replace themselves every month. Even at this very moment. Most everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories.”
▼Haruki Murakami

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